Coaching Helped Me Rebuild After Grief; Now I'm Paying It Forward

Man of Merit began as a self-coaching tool. In 2011, I was about to turn 40. In my first post, I joked that I was having a midlife crisis. I had already lost more than 150 pounds, a transformation I wrote about on MyFitLife2day, and I wanted to do something with the fitness I had regained. I set out to learn outdoor skills and complete the Boy Scout merit badges I had left unfinished as a teenager.

Now I’m 55, on the other side of that crisis and making the most of my later midlife years as I quickly approach the next phase.

Looking back, I was trying to return to the boy I had been, curious, independent, eager to explore, and imagining the person I might become. I understood becoming a man of merit to mean setting goals, developing skills, and following through. The blog helped me turn those ideas into something I could work on.

For the next five years, I used Man of Merit to document the work I was doing. I took stock of my fitness and preparedness, assessed the skills I already had, and figured out what I needed to learn. The merit badges gave me a framework. Writing about my goals and progress helped me stay focused as I built up my life and moved in a direction I had chosen.

Then my mother died. In the months before her death, I had already begun to lose sight of myself. Within six months of her passing, I had gained more than 100 pounds. If I hadn’t needed to buy a whole new wardrobe, I might not have noticed how completely I had abandoned myself and the strong vision I once had for my life and my future.

I was living as if I didn’t care about living.

Eventually, I sought grief counseling. Through that counseling, I was brought back to the foundation I had laid during those years. My mind began to clear. My heart remains forever broken, but I began to find my trail again and see a way forward.

After counseling, I sought life coaching to help me get fully back on track. By then, I had regained all the weight I’d lost before turning 40 and found myself back at 460 pounds. This time, health issues complicated things. I began addressing atrial fibrillation and sleep apnea, and coaching helped me bring my focus back to the choices that could move me forward.

Now I’m back under 400 pounds. Based on the choices I’m making and the direction I’m heading, I’m on track to lose another 100 pounds over the next 18 months. I’m still learning from my past mistakes and adding new skills as I continue to shape the life I want.

I’ve carried a philosophy of lifelong learning with me for years. I even wrote a poem about it called Philosophy on Lifelong Learning.

Philosophy on Lifelong Learning

Learning must be a lifelong pursuit
If life is to have any meaning
Find yourself a mentor, because not
Everything is simple, and time is fleeting
Look inward for context to learn new things
Owe much to imagination and needing
Now is the time, and there's no place like here
Give up on excuses; start leading

Love your community and those around you
Every one of us deserves to be believed in
And if you're fortunate enough to have the skills
Recharge the people and teach them
Nothing's more gratifying than changing a life
In all of us lies the power to care
Never again say, "I'll wait 'til tomorrow"
Go the distance; Learn, teach, share

I’m bringing Man of Merit back for two reasons. First, I still have a lot to learn. I’m learning from past mistakes and developing new skills, including how to tell stories and connect with people through social media. Just as the merit badges gave me a framework when I was 40, I’m building new knowledge and skills for this next phase. I want to keep documenting what I’m learning and how I’m putting it into practice.

The second reason is that I want to help others. I believe people are creative, resourceful, and whole. My role as a coach is to partner with people as they clarify what matters to them, recognize the strengths they already have, and decide what they want to learn or change. I listen, ask questions, and reflect what I hear so they can discover their own answers and choose goals that feel meaningful to them. Then we can identify steps they are ready to take and ways to stay connected to what they’ve chosen. I want to meet people where they are and help them move toward a future self they can be proud of, discovering the man or woman of merit who already exists within them.

Man of Merit began as a way for me to coach myself through learning and change. Now I’m bringing it back to keep doing that work and to help others do it, too.